He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
