ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
