THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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