Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
