dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
