Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
