My room smells like vodka and shame
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
