i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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