I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
