Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
