i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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