So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
