Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
