Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
