so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
