we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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