Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
