my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
