Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
