i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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