you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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