just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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