Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
