The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
