Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
birth control should be required to get into college
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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