My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
