What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
