You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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