anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
