Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
