Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
