I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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