i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
