Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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