Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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