Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
