I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
