I'm pants shitting drunk right now
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
zippers are such a cool invention
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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