Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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