i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Rumble strips road head = magical
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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