I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
