I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
