and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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