My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
