Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
