Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
