The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
