My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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