WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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