The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
