There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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